My verse, take a look please

[ShaBruv]

People ask me how i spit. "quite sick man"
Make them other singers sink, like quick sand
Sick like asylum seekers shit, brick bed pan
See me riding through the hood, "hey little red man"
Yoo................. but this aint no fairy tale
So sing yo' swan song, cuz homie this canary kills
Its true,fuck you , what all you spit is rarely real
4, 3, 1, 2 talking of my scary skills
Matter of fact as it goes...... i am considerate
I aint no wanna be gangster... yeah i give a fuck
Not in jail, On ebay, so are we gonna do a bid or wut,
But still i got the right to snipe your lights out like a sitting duck
My possibilities are endless, my angle's obtuse
From the day that i grew friendless, i grabbed an excuse
Time tugging on my tendons, like a neck on the noose
But now im thugging with the best and expectin to lose
Now the weight is off my back but i can cope with the burden
Like a light shining through but i can't open the curtains

Please dont lock will post feed later, I can't do it from iPod , anyway it is on just silvers thread BET cypher 2008




notes:
brick in english slang is another word for shit

the lights out bit is a proof homage

Feedback please


Feed http://www.forum.trshady.com./viewtopic.php?f=24&t=101515&sid=db293a5627d57d87cab261408f6ff181

[Innovation]

It's alright. 2.5/5

You have some multis there which is always a welcomed sight, but I think a few were forced.

I aint no wanna be gangster... yeah i give a fuck
Not in jail, On ebay, so are we gonna do a bid or wut,

A very forced multi there, it didn't work out very well either. Do a bid or what? Don't understand the concept of that.

I liked your opening bar and how you started with a decent multi. If that had carried throughout the rest of the verse, it would have been much better.

Another crictism I have is that I though this line was wack.

Sick like asylum seekers shit, brick bed pan

But again, it was decent. Keep elevating!

[Just Silver]

Beginning was some ill shit the quick sand bit and the way it flowed

overall the flow was very chill great piece brah
honestly first time seein your shit ill be expectin more

[classthe_king]

If this is your first written that that's really good. Way better than I was, you already have a good grasp of flow, structure and multis. If you keep working at it you could get really good.

P.S you're going to need to post a link of feed so Chambers doesn't lock this.

[ShaBruv]

Thanks everyone for the feedback and yeah i appreciate i had to force some of the multis
but it's hard because if i try think of a rap without a multi it just doesnt sound right

Plus im not a the stage where i can write loads and loads at one time

but i do have these two bits aswell, which i think are better than the original


don't think you understand the relavance of my words,
cause you cant comprehend the malevolence that ive heard
The wretched lines, distorting my blistering mind
Etched upon the rhyme, contorting my twisting spine
Cause its music that shapes you as an MC and a person
Whether you use it to make songs full of empty cursin'
Abuse rape, murder, i depict all of these in my verse 'n'
Now i'm gonna make a change my position im reversin
Reflecting on my days, with inquisition, i been dreamen,
Of a better war of living, wish the stars were still gleaming,
Now i may seem soppy but homie that is unseeming
because if you cross me y'all fucking wish that you were screaming,
What fuck has happened to hip hope , just cuz i been gona while?
Well guess what the sheriffs back in town and he's fucking volatile,
And by the end its obvious you wont wanna tussle but reconcile,
But when im done with you, you wont have the muscles t' freakin smile

Expectations on my shoulders, like boulders, my back is foldin'
Shoulder blades erodin' from this heavy load i'm holdin,
Life goes much too slow and everyday i'm growing cold 'n'
Now i'm stuck self loathing, but fuck it i'll stop the scoldin'
I'm gettin where i want, fuck those who stop me and the haters
Cuz my goals are so high i'm gon' need escalators
Fuck the undecided, divided, and debators
Can't follow in my footsteps , but you can step in my crators
Now i'm rolling with Lewis and of course there's Justin Kanzah
Its he who approves my verse when i begin to bust my stanzah
I dont have much cash but soon i'll hit the bonanza
I aint a millionaire but fucker this is my final answer,

also in the second one the footsteps/ escalator crators line is from a song somewhere





And @class i don't understand, what's a feed link, what is its purpose?


and @ Innovation what would you class as a 5 star verse, i hope to improve

[classthe_king]

Rules
3) One link of feedback you have given will need to be posted before you post a song.

[Innovation]

and @ Innovation what would you class as a 5 star verse, i hope to improve

Rock Bottom's first verse. :P

[iluveminem]

it was alright i didm't get the flow, though.

[mcZu]

Thanks everyone for the feedback and yeah i appreciate i had to force some of the multis
but it's hard because if i try think of a rap without a multi it just doesnt sound right

Plus im not a the stage where i can write loads and loads at one time

but i do have these two bits aswell, which i think are better than the original


don't think you understand the relavance of my words,
cause you cant comprehend the malevolence that ive heard
The wretched lines, distorting my blistering mind
Etched upon the rhyme, contorting my twisting spine
Cause its music that shapes you as an MC and a person
Whether you use it to make songs full of empty cursin'
Abuse rape, murder, i depict all of these in my verse 'n'
Now i'm gonna make a change my position im reversin
Reflecting on my days, with inquisition, i been dreamen,
Of a better war of living, wish the stars were still gleaming,
Now i may seem soppy but homie that is unseeming
because if you cross me y'all fucking wish that you were screaming,
What fuck has happened to hip hope , just cuz i been gona while?
Well guess what the sheriffs back in town and he's fucking volatile,
And by the end its obvious you wont wanna tussle but reconcile,
But when im done with you, you wont have the muscles t' freakin smile

Expectations on my shoulders, like boulders, my back is foldin'
Shoulder blades erodin' from this heavy load i'm holdin,
Life goes much too slow and everyday i'm growing cold 'n'
Now i'm stuck self loathing, but fuck it i'll stop the scoldin'
I'm gettin where i want, fuck those who stop me and the haters
Cuz my goals are so high i'm gon' need escalators
Fuck the undecided, divided, and debators
Can't follow in my footsteps , but you can step in my crators
Now i'm rolling with Lewis and of course there's Justin Kanzah
Its he who approves my verse when i begin to bust my stanzah
I dont have much cash but soon i'll hit the bonanza
I aint a millionaire but fucker this is my final answer,

also in the second one the footsteps/ escalator crators line is from a song somewhere





And @class i don't understand, what's a feed link, what is its purpose?


and @ Innovation what would you class as a 5 star verse, i hope to improve

Those 2 verses were pretty good. A question, though. Do you write to beats? 'cause if you don't, you should. Only way to learn how to make your words fit a beat, basically how to flow.

The first verse pretty decent, not bad, though. Had some OK wordplay, multies were aight. I would say start to write more and more, to beats, and try to be as creative as you can. Creativity is alwasy good. Expiriment with mutlies, too. Try to expand your vocab, not that it is shallow 'cause your vocab is pretty good, but it's always goot to expand your vocab.

[ShaBruv]

Thanks Zu that was great feedback, and im trying to expand my vocab, reading books etc and are my pieces decent for a 14 year old

[mcZu]

Definitely. For some of your age it's pretty good. Reading is a great way of expanding your vocab.